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Rules to Enter Kansas

Applies to each person as they enter Kansas.Learn & remember:

East Coast and California-types pay particular attention!

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

3. They are cattle & feed lots. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Don't like it? I-70 goes east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.

4. So you have a $60,000 car.,We're impressed. We have $150,000 wheat combines that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

5. So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept, you whinny elitist.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of Ducks are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

7. Yeah, we eat catfish & calf fries. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

8. The "Opener" refers to the first day of pheasant season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

9. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

10. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

11. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and Picante Sauce. Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Malibu call that stuff you eat... It AINT REAL CHILI!! Chili was born and bred in Abilene.... and real chili never met ground turkey!

12. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

13. KU,K-State and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

14. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

15. Colleges? Try Fort Hays State University,KU, K-State, or abunch a'others. They come outa there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come for the holidays.

16. Our state is home to "The Big Red One," so if you feel inclined to flip the bird to one of us in the vicinity of Junction City, you'll get your happy, flabby eastern/California butt whipped by the best!

17. Always remember what our great native son, Gen. Eisenhower once said: "Kansas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Kansas."

GOD BLESS KANSAS!!!