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Flight Attendant Stories
Supposed real stories from flight attendants apologizing for rough transport on the airlines:

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy that required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, give a smile, and a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no," replied the pilot, "What is it?" The little old lady asked, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

United Airlines flight attendant: "Ladies and Gentlemen, as you are all now painfully aware, our Captain has landed in Seattle. From all of us at United Airlines we'd like to thank you for flying with us today and please be very careful as you open the overhead bins as you may be killed by falling luggage that shifted during our so called 'touchdown.'"

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

Landing: a controlled mid-air collision with a planet.

AND...

From Southwest Airlines:

"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

From a Southwest passenger: "It was a late flight and as they dimmed the cabin lights, one of the female flight attendants said the lights were dimmed because Frank (the male flight attendant) was having a bad hair day. Frank then proceeds to very soothingly tell everyone that they are getting verrrrrry sleepy. They aren't thirsty. They don't like peanuts, and proceeded to sing a lullaby. During the safety features lecture, he talked about loss of cabin pressure and the fact that empty yellow margarine tubs would drop down from the ceiling. They advised people to pretend to listen to the safety briefing. When we landed, he got on the mic and whispered that he had a secret. The captain just got a new toupee and it looks sooo real. And that all the passengers should stick their head in the flight cabin door and tell him how good his hairpiece looks. The woman in front of me asked how we would know the difference between the captain & the first officer. The female flight attendant said the captain would be the one beating Frank up. Well, on the way out, we all really did poke our head in to tell him how good his hairpiece looked...and he really did obviously have a rug on!"

Another SW passenger: "From the flight attendant (toward the end of the flight): 'Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a very special person aboard today. He's 85, today's his birthday, and he's never flown before TODAY.' (By this time we're all clapping and warmly laughing.) 'So as you de-plane, make sure and wish our PILOT a happy birthday!'"